Allo Darlin'
by Lodestone
Summary: A nice wee film noir type story set on the Dicworld - like Disc. Noir, y'ken? Feel free to review - in fact, please do. Anway, your lead is me, a maverick troll in the City Watch, who comes into contact with an elusive femme fatale in the Bucket...


****

'Allo Darlin' 

I'm a simple troll. I don't 'ave no wants, I don't 'ave no needs. But wot recently 'appened to me rocked my world. 

***

I was drinkin' a thick Magma and Pineapple in the Bucket, when 'eaven walked froo de door, an' 'eaven wore a dress. It was a good dress, but not quite suited to a 8 foot troll wiv a face like a mountaintop. 

'Eaven came and sat down beside me. I opened my mouth to speak, but she put her finger to my lips, an' said, in a voice as sweet as oxide, "Nono. Let me do de talking, Lodestone." 

"How did you...?" 

"Know your name? Why Mister Lodestone, you insult yourself. You're very well known amongst us female trolls." 

"I'm not... 

"Very articulate? Good at finishing sentences?" 

She was making fun of me, I knew it, and I wasn't in the mood. 

"Look missy. You came here for a reason, and I want to know what dat reason was. Right now." 

"Ha! I see, you go straight to the point, I like dat in a troll. So. You want to know why I come here? Well, Mister Lodestone, I may have some information for you. Of course," She said, edging her stool closer to me, "I might need a little persuading..." 

"I'm not in de mood for games missy, wot 'ave you got?" (I 'alf expected 'er to reply Cripple Mister Onion, Chase My Neighbour Up De Passage, Chess or sumfin'. It seemed 'er style.) 

"Well, Lodestone, I tink I can set you on de right track to find de murderer of your family." 

***

My family. My Dad, well he weren't de best of trolls. All right he were a crook. He dealed Slab to de kids on our mountainside. Dere was nuffin' me or my Mum could do about it, till he got my bruvver, Mudstone involved. Mum chucked 'em out've de house, an' we never saw 'em again. At least alive. A pile of rubble was dumped on our doorstep de next day... 

But enough of de past. 

***

I was stunned. I thought I had filed dat incident away in some dusty drawer somewhere, and here it came, kickin' me in de teeth. So hard dat de diamonds could shatter. Not only dat, but dis troll seemed to know way too much about me. But dere was no way I was goin' to lose my temper. I might frighten' Miss Sweetie off.

"What do you know den?" I said coolly, too coolly, I think she noticed something was up. 

"No. I tink we not discuss matters here. I'll contact you later, Lodestone." And with dat, she upped an' left. I hadn't even learnt her name. De whole meetin' 'adn't lasted more dan a couple of minutes. 

I walked out of de sleezy dump, an' let my head cool in the fresh evenin' rain. (Dis is a bit odd, since de rain in Ankh-Morpork usually stinks to high heaven. An' disolves rock) 

I ran over de events in my head, basic'lly, I didn't know what de hell was goin' on. 

I woke upde nex' mornin' wiv my 'ead stuck in a pile of old mouldin' reports. Not just ancient apprehensions though, also a piece of black paper, an' sumfin was written in silver. I 'ad a lot to fank a good education for, I could fank it for not imposing itself on me. Fortunately though, I had picked up de skill of reading. Dat note was de turnin' point in my life. But I didn't know den if it was for de better, or a turn for de worse... 

It read: 

I said, did I not my dear, dat we should meet again, and discuss certain details? 

I haf arranged a site for our little, shall we say, tete-a-tete. 

See you in Paradise, Lodestone.

The note had ended with a scarlet kiss, and de scent of crushed jasmine wafted up from de mica-red mark. I had last smelt it in the Bucket. I knew, even through the chlorine-induced haze, dat it was my girl. The girl I had last seen walking gracefully through a bar door. Paradise. Any place could be paradise, with dat troll. 

***

De street was on de edge of de Shades, an' de dirt-strewn cobbles were hardly apt compared wiv de name. I paced up and down de rows of seedy houses, waiting for my girl. 

Suddenly, there was a flurry of movement, and I spun on the spot, (narrowly missing a few buildin's) just in time to spot two figures clothed in black, dartin' out of Chalkie's. My legs decided to run. My brain 'ad no choice in de matter, an' I was glad for it. My legs 'ad been far more sensible dan my brain could ever 'ave been. 

I fled into the Pitts, a street adjoining Paradise, an' oddly enough leading out of de Shades. As I skidded round a corner into The Scours, I caught a glimpse of de two sinister figures. Dey were persuing me, crowbars raised. I couldn't see dere faces through de cowls, but I saw a gleam of malicious red, a madman's eyes. 

I slipped into a curved side alley, but to no avail, the figures still followed me. Gaining speed again, I noticed I'd come out into Cheap Street. A busy road, I hoped dat someone might notice my plight. A foolish hope, in accordance with all the rules of any chase, de street was deserted. I hardly knew where I was going, until finally I discovered dat I'd come out into Fiveways, a sort of multi-crossroads. As I stood in de middle of de yard, four new cowled figures emerged from de different entrances. I was trapped, an' de sinister cloaks moved towards me. I made a split second decision an' barged my through my original two persuers. The chase was getting really heated now, an' my brain shut down in order to put all de energy dat I could into runnin'. 

After what seemed like hours, I emerged onto Contract Bridge. As I stood dere, I realised dat 

now dere was only one way of escape. 

And as I leapt over de side of de bridge, I smelt a now familiar smell emanating from my persuers. Crushed jasmine. I hadn't any more time to fink, as I hit de surface. Water (if you could call it dat) filled my stony lungs, an' I realised dat I was sinkin'. Down, down, down... 

I recovered conciousness, to de dreadful sight of Sergeant Detritus, bending over me. 'Is face developed a minor fissure, although I realised it actually seemed to be a smile. Gods! I'd hate to see a frown. 

"'Ere! Commander! I fink 'e's woken up!" De sergeant bellowed, nearly shattering my ears in the process. 

"Thank's Detritus, I can carry on from here." My commander entered. I immediately attempted to stand up an' regretted it. I collapsed back onto de bed. 

"Now. Corporal, tell me, what the hell has been going on..." he said. 

"Wish I knew sir" I replied muzzily. 

"Corporal! I'd like to know exactly why one of my watchmen has been found sinking in the river!" 

"Er..." 

"Oh come on!" he yelled. 

I was unnerved, I didn't know what to say. What 'ad 'appened was due to personal matters, but I wasn't a good liar. Luckily for me, Commander Vimes was a sympathetic man, as far as it went. 

He told me, "Allright then, have it your way Lodestone. I'll give you time, you can sort out whatever the hell you need to, but I wan't the truth. The truth dammit!" 

He left, not in de best of moods. I just lay in de ward for I don't know how long. Not finkin', not sleepin', just lying dere. Eventually I roused myself an' pondered over my current... predicament. I din't 'ave anywhere to turn, de only fing I could fink of was finding dat beauty, but where to start?

I ended up drownin' my sorrows at de Bucket again. Starin' mournfully into my drink, I felt a movement be'ind me. My experience of de chase froo Ankh-Morpork 'ad made me paranoid, an' by de time I'd spun round I 'ad also unsheafed my sword. It dropped from my 'and as I saw my supposed attacker. Her. My nasal senses must've bin clogged up sumfin' awful, 'cause I should've recognised de now familiar scent. I den remembered where I 'ad last smelt it too, on de Contract Bridge.

"Well, Lodestone, I thought I might find you here. Perhaps you would like to explain where you were las' night, It's not right to keep a gal waiting for dat long. I was beginning to worry I would never see you again, and dat woult be," She sighed provacatively, "A real shame." 

I could hardly contain my anger, here she was, pretendin' to be so harmless, while I knew dat she was involved in my attempted murder. 

"Shame it may be miss, but you sill 'aven't told me what you know." 

"Oh, Lodestone. I tink maybe you are a little too hasty. You haf to treat a gal nice to get what you want..." I was gettin' sick of her attitude, but she kept on, "Follow me, and you may get what you want." 

With de lack of anything else to do, I did what she said. A big mistake. De moment I stepped outside de tavern it struck me dat dis girl might not be entirely trustworvy. About de same time, so did a sledgehammer. 

***

When I came round, I discovered dat I was heavily bound and gagged, tied into a chair. I saw two hulkin' figures, trolls I guessed, deep in heavy conversation. Dey 'ad dere backs turned to me. I thought, desperately, dat if I could just break free... To no avail, dey realised dat I had woken up, an' were turnin' dere attention to me. 

"Heh heh heh, our guest has roused Mr Basalt," said one.

"Yes indeed, Mr Clay. Shall we tell Mr Chrysopase?" replied de other. The two trolls were dressed in immaculate black suits, de dress of all of Chrysopase's henchman. 

A figure emerged from a doorway. "Dat will not be necessary gentlemen. See to Ruby, and I will deal with him." Chrysopase indicated towards de door, "Now, Lodestone. I do apologise for your transport here, but believe me, it was necessary." 

"Necessary Chrysopase!? Fer wot eh? If yer wants to string me up jus' do it." 

"Oho! Spirit eh? Well dat iss good. Yess, I can use dat. You see Lodestone, we may haf had our past differences, but I mean you no harm. In fact, you see, I need your help." 

I was amazed. "'Elp! 'Elp! Wot can a crime boss like yew need 'elp wiv! Hah, especially from de Watch!" 

"You will be surprised de kind of legal troubles I get, Mr Lodestone. Y'see, dere our, shall we say, some not very respectable types in my area, doing a not very respectable trade. Dey are giving me a bad name. It woult be so kind of you to... relieve me of dem." 

"You want me to get rid of sum dealers. I suppose, whilst turnin' a blind eye to your own... business." Worl, couldn't do me no 'arm, I suppose. 

"You catch on verr' quickly sir." 

"'Ang on, 'ang on. I fink I'm owed some explanations firs' Mister Chrysopase." I wanted to know a lot. 

"Why mos' certainly. Wot iss it you wish to know?" 

"Firs'ly, 'oo dat girl is. Sec'ndly, why she tried to kill me, an' firdly, why I should 'elp you out." 

Chrysopase looked rather surprised. It was rather disturbin', 'e usually 'ad a very calm manner. 

"Well, Mister Lodestone, de girl iss my daughter Ruby, an' what she said wass true, I can tell you wot 'appened to you're father and brother. I had asked her to get you to me." He paused, "But try to kill you? No, I think you have made a mistake, sir." 

It helped to explain sum fings, but... "I din't make a mistake, sir, I smelt 'er yesterday, when she arranged to meet me, and I was chased off de Contract Bridge." 

"As far as I unnerstant, you never turned up to de meeting, and well, a smell isn't much to go by." 

I sighed, an' told 'im what 'appened the night before... 

..."Well dat iss verr' in'tresting, sir, but I don't see why it hass anyfing to do wiff me?" 

"I told you, I smelled your daughter dere on de bridge." 

"And I told you, a sense of smell iss not much to go by. My daughters perfume can be bought anywhere" 

De big troll appeared to be getting a bit angry, so I tried to calm 'im down. "Allright, allright, maybe I made a mistake. Anyway, about dis problem of yours..." 

***

It may seem corrupt of me, but I din't reely 'ave much choice. As I turned over de offendin' Slab dealers to de cells, Commander Vimes approached me. 

"Well, Corporal, have you had enough time yet?" 

"Nossir." I replied hurridly, as I darted back into de cold, unwelcoming darkness outside. 

Chrysopase said dat he'd contact me, rather dan de other way round, so I din't 'ave much to do. My fate was decided for me though, for the moment I stepped out of de yard, I was greeted by a dark cloak, weilding a crowbar. De las' ting I saw was de vicious metal comin' towards me. Dis was becomin' sumfin' of a habit. I don't know wot de people of Ankh-Morpork 'ave against me, but it sure mus' be bad. 

***

Wen I woke up, I guessed I must've bin blindfolded, 'cause I couldn't see a fing. My head ached like nuffin' else, an' to top it off, I was gagged and I appeared to be tied to some kind of rock floor. Either dat, or summon must 'ave a real odd taste in beds.

I turned out to be d'latter. As I made a little whimperin' noise, my captor removed de blindfold, an' I was able to look around.

I was lyin' on a wooded bed-like fing in some kind of cell. De on'y light was comin' froo a high, barred window, an' It showed nuffin' of my captor's face, hidden as it was under a dark hood. 

The hood spoke: "You should have stayed out of our affairs troll." It was a human voice. I attempted to growl a reply but the gag made me choke. 

"Do not try to talk troll. You should have heeded the lesson we taught you on Contract Bridge, and not pursued your enquiries." The voice was wooden, I could tell nothin' from it about the owner, accept dat he sure as hell din't like me. "As it is, you know too much to for us to let you live." He obviously thought I knew more dan I did, but I had no time to ponder, for as he approached me I noticed de glint of metal. I guessed what he was going to do, but wot made it worse was dat I couldn't scream... 

***

He left me in a gutter, assumin' I was dead. Luckily for me, I wasn't. Summon up dere must really like me, but den again, summon else must 'ate me.

I don' know how long I lay dere, lookin' up at de stars whirlin' above me, an' wincin' occasionally from de crowbar wounds. I was hacked at over an' over again by my enemy in de black robes. I don' know wot I looked like, but it couldna be a pretty sight.

A passerby passed me by, not givin' me a second glance. Dat's wot life by de Ankh does to you, a body inna gutter is all to common a feature. I couldn' even muster up de strength to utter a cry of 'elp.

I had time to ponder over wot 'ad appened. My assailant could'n't 'ave bin a member of Chrysopase's Breccia, I'd bin 'elpin' dem, much as I 'ate to admit it. It mus' 'ave sumfin' to do wiv de arrests I'd made on de Slab dealers, an', I gulped, probably sumfin' to do wiv Dad. 

Eventually, I hauled myself up. An' fell down again. I repeated dis excersise sevr'l times before I manged to stand. I saw my reflection inna puddle onna pavement, I wasn' a pretty sight. I dragged my folorn body to Pseudopolis Yard, an' collapsed 

***

"Well, Corporal, I think I need an explanation, don't you?" De firs' fing I 'eard wen I regained conciousness was de grim voice of Commander Vimes. "This is the second time you've been unconcious in the Watch Infirmary, and I want to know why."

I struggled to speak, "Look, Commander, I... I jus'... can't." 

"Very well then. Hand me your badge." 

"Wha'?" 

"Your badge Corporal, I'm relieving you of your duties until further notice. That is, until you notice what a damned fool you're being." 

"But... you can't." 

"Yes I bloody well can! Give it to me!" 

I handed it over dumbly. I'd bin a watch-man for years, an' now, now I wasn'. 

"Good-bye Cor... Civillian Lodestone." And wiv dat, he stamped outa de ward. 

An' wiv dat, my whole life changed. I'd bin a Watchman since I'd bin able to join... since Dad died, an' now... now I wasn'. 

When I felt able I slumped dejectedly outta the ward, and handed over my uniform an' equipmen'. The yooman at de desk looked at me strangely - piteously - as I practic'ly crawled outta the Yard. 

I walked froo de streets for hours on end, seein' crime evr'where. An' ever' time I saw an' offence bein' commited, it was all I could do to stop myself arrestin' de perpertrator. 

Suddenly, a figure stepped out've de shadows, but I'd had experience of dis, an' raised my han' to strike. 

"Oh dear oh dear oh dear. You shoult not raise you're hant to a lady sir." Oh gods, her again. "Mr Lodestone, you look upset. Come, tell Ruby you're problems." 

I composed myself. "Any problems I 'ave miss, are not de kind I'd like to discuss wid slime like you." 

"Tut tut tut. I woult not expect such language from a gentleman like you Lodestone, especially to a gal like me." 

"A gal like you? Wot de hell's dat supposed to mean?" 

"What I meant, Lodestone, is a gal dat you are quite clearly infatuatet wiff." She saw de look on my face - "Don't try to hite it Lodestone" She said, and grasped me and kissed me. 

It wos one of dose kisses dat burns a scalding pathway froo you're memory, and is a searing ray of light on dat moonless night. As we touched she looked into my eyes as if to say, "See, it's easy". 

When we parted, she looked beguilingly at me and said "See, it's easy. But now is not de time to discuss de affairs of luf. Come, follow me, my father wishes to talk wit you." 

***

"Thank you Ruby. You may go now." I was face to face wiv Chrysopase de Troll again. De girl looked hostiley towards her father, and walked out in a huff. 

"So, ve meet again, Misster Lodestone. I see you resolved my leettle problem for me Sirr." 

"I did that, Sir, so I've kept my side of de bargain. Keep yors, an' 'ave done wiv it." 

"Not so fasst Sirr, Gentlemen like ourselves shoult not conduct our... buissiness in such a manner." 

"You're no gentlemen Chrysopase, an' I'm no businessman either. Just tell me wot... wot happened to my father." 

"Nonononono! Pliss sirr, not so fasst. Besides, I am not so surre dat you woult really wan't to know." 

"I WANT TO KNOW YOU SCUM! Tell Me, Tell Me Now!" I shouldn' 'ave shouted. I knew dat de moment I saw the enraged look on de large trolls face. 

He growled - "Get out off my sight you. It iss only because you have performed me a small serviss - a verr' small serviss - dat I am letting you live at all. No-one before hass said dat to Chrysopase and lived" He brandished his famous diamond encrusted rings. "Now, LEAVE!" 

I sprinted out fast, without lookin' back, an' dashed down de streets, de fear of de gods, no, the fear of endin' up wiv only a ring to my memory, spurrin' me on. Eventually I could go no further, an' collapsed, an' wept. 

I 'ad bin so close, so close to findin' out de troof, an' 'ad blown my only chance. Chrysopase would certainly never want to see me again. I realised now dat dat 'ad bin' wot he 'ad wanted, to get his way wivvout givin' anyfin' in return. I used to hate dat troll, but now I loathed him. 

Why did I loathe him? Because, now, I really 'ad no reason to live, I'd jus' decided to give up on life, when I felt a rocky touch on my shoulder. "You know, you really shoult not haf done dat darling." 

I raised my 'ead from de gutter, "Ruby! You came for me!" 

"Hwell, wot dit you expect? I woult not abandon... a guy like you. You see, I am not playing you along, Lodestone..." She bent down, and kissed me. "Now, how about buying this gal a drink. eh?" 

***

I woke up de nex' mornin' in ecstacy. Wot a night - an' wot a day lay before me today. A day filled wiv love. Me'n Ruby 'ad agreed to meet up at de Bucket in Gleam Street, so I wandered down dere.

When I arrived dere, I saw 'er, an' rushed forward to embrace 'er. She pushed me roughly away. "No! Not here! Quickly, come outsite!"

I followed 'er in bewilderment - las' night, oh las' nigh' she was so 'appy, an' now - so cold. She explained, "I tink my father knows about us Lodestone - we cannot be seen together. He will kill you... ant me. I may be his daughter but he still despises me." She gave me a quick peck on de cheek, an' disappeared down an alley. 

I was devastated, but still so 'appy. I wandered froo de streets of my city wiv a broad smile on my face, an dat attracted a lot've attention I can tell you, dere's not much to be 'appy about in Ankh-Morpork. De air smelt amazingly fresh an' clear an' pleasnt, an' round every corner was a new surprise, sumfin' which 'ad escaped my notice in all dose years.

Unfortuneately, round one corner was an' unpleasant surprise. Two enormous smartly dressed trolls loomed out at me. At firs' I froze in terror, an' den I recognised 'oo dey were, an' ran.

De streets were a blur as I tried to work out why Basalt an' Clay - Chrysopase's 'enchmen - were after me. I fort I'd seen de last of dose bastards. Den, of course, I realised. Wot Ruby 'ad said was true - Chrysopase knew, an' 'e was angry."

My mad run took me into de rooftops of de city. So close to death, my senses 'eightened. I was blinded by de bright sun, an' my nose was filled wiv de combined odours of de putrid Ankh an' my own sulphurous sweat. My feet punded de ground, fracturin' de flimsy roofs of de houses, an' ran onward. 

Disastrously, I 'it a dead end. Dis was a fight or flight situation, an' I couldn't escape. As' de two trolls closed in, I knew I 'ad to fight.

Basalt came at me firs', an' I flung myself at 'im. I punched, kicked an' bit as 'ard as I could, while 'e did de same. De melee was so fierce dat Clay couldn't get involved, for fear of 'ittin 'is bruvver. We rolled aroun' de rooftops, both injured 'orribly, but unable to stop fightin'. I knew I 'ad to keep goin', or my life would end.

At one point, I 'it Basalt 'ard enuff to 'ave time to get into a better position. I managed to kick, 'im, an' kick 'im again, but den 'e grabbed my leg, an' I was back into de fray, dis time wiv 'im on top. 'E punched me so 'ard dat it knocked one of my toofs out. Den I 'ad an idea - quickly, I grabbed de diamond, an plunged it into 'is eye.

'E leaped up screamin', an' I pushed 'im off de edge. Before I could get away though, 'e grabbed my leg, an' I 'ad to get 'old of de ledge at the edge of de roof to avoid us both plungin' to our deafs.

Dis was a standoff situation. 'E 'ad old of my leg, an' dere was no chance of 'is grip slippin', I was oldin' onto de roof wiv one 'and, and dear gods dere was no way I would let my grip slip. My uvver leg flailed out madly, attemptin' to make contact wiv Basalt, but I couldn' reach 'im.

Clay was in a position of power over us both, an' 'e was about to prise my fingers away when 'e saw de imploring look on 'is bruvver's face. 'E couldn' bring 'imself to do it.

Den dere was a creakin' noise, an' de roof gave way beneaf Clay. I saw de shocked look on 'is face as 'e plunged down into de 'ouse. I don't know wot effect it would 'ave on de inhabitin' family, but I couldn't stop to look. Takin' advantage of Basalt's surprise, I smashed my leg against de wall. De big troll lost 'is grip, an' 'e plunged down into de street.

I 'auled myself up onto de buildin', an' took stock of de situation. Clay was lyin' unconcious in' de 'ouse below, an' Basalt...

Basalt was lyin' in de road, in pieces. De fall 'ad smashed 'im wide open. I 'ad never done anyfin' 'arf as awful as dis before, but now... now I 'ad killed someone. I took one las' disgusted look at de prone corpse, an' turned, an' ran.

And slammed into the rock hard wall dat was Chrysopase de troll.

"Hwell well well. I am impressed Mister Lodestone. Dispensing wit two of my men at oness, impressive. I coult use a troll of your talents... but no, a troll of your morals too? Perhaps not. So, I will suffice myself wit forgiving your... activities wit my daughter. If They Cease. Comprende? Goot. Ah, but I see you want an explanation? Hwell, maybe you will get it. Follow me."

I was stunned I can tell you. Dis was a bloody turnaround. I took me a while to "Comprende", but I had to catch up quickly wiv dat fast retreating back of de troll.

Here was my chance again, I fort as I walked, I would finally know wot is was be'ind dese 'appenins. I was sumfin dat I needed to know. As a person. 

"Into dis alley Lodestone, we do not want anone disturbing our discussion. No! Shush! I will tell you all. 

It began many years ago Lodestone, with, as I sink you haf guessed, your father. I was a younger troll den, de same age as him in fact. We were born in de same village. We were friends. And, hwhen we were a leetle older, sure we dealt a leetle Slab together. It wass hwhat you did, y'know.

But den dere was de argument. Your father decided to make a buisness out of de dealing. I didn't like dat, oh no. Y'see, back den, I was like you Lodestone, a troll of morals. Maybe dat is why I haf a soft spot for you." I winced at being likened to de bastard, but let him carry on. I needed to know. "And, Lodestone, den your father drove me out, I came to de city. It was den dat I saw de true light. De truth. Dere is no goot Lodestone, nor evil. Dere are only de clever, who make money, and der stupid, who are jealous of de rich, and create "morals " to make dere life bearable. Ah! I see you not like that, no? Well, maybe I should leave you to your dreams.

He paused in his narrative here, an' in dat pause de light dawned. "I see now. Spurned by 'atred for Dad, you killed him, killed 'im an' my bruvver. My muvver too, it was your fault she jumped. An' now you will kill me too, I guess you'd better make a clean job of it eh? Kill me den, Kill me. Now!

An' de bastard laughed. He laughed an' laughed again till I felt sore. Bromine tears filled my eyes as he ceased his teasing. I could see de end near. I could see my life before my eyes. It was really boring. 

"Hah! De boy has spirit! Yess, he hass spirit! But no Lodestone, I did not haff de pleasure of killing your father. I will not kill you. But you not believe me eh? Well, den, I will show you someone who will convince you. I expect he will be pleased to make your aquaintance, although I sink most pleasure will be on his side. Go to dock 6 at 11 of de clock tonight. Do not be late. He like his visitors to be punctual. Now go! Go you silly leetle boy! 

***

Dock 6, 10:54 

Here I was, soon to meet my destiny. 

Here I waited. 

And waited. 

And waited. 

And den, den dere was sumfin', a slight ripple in de darkness, nearly imperceptible, but def'nitely dere. 

And a voice, heavy, an' cultured, "Hold him boys." Before I could move, 3 pairs of hands pinned my arms to my side. Human hands.

"I am glad to see you again Lodestone" I noticed de again, I knew dis man, but I couldn't place 'is voice. "Its been a long time. Aah, but you do not recognise me? I am surprised. Surely, you must know me?" I shook my head dumbly

"Well, that is a shame. I will jog your memory. I am the one who has been trying to kill you - you have a terrible habit of surviving you know. I am the one who sent Ruby after you - surely now, you couldn't have really thought she was attracted to you? And I am the one that owns this city, Chrysopase is nothing. His world is over. Ankh-Morpork is mine now. 

But you still do not know me? Very well then."

The figure stepped out of his cloak of darkness. And it wasn't a man. It was a troll. And I did know him. 

It was Dad. 

"Your self control is superb son, in your position, my father would be flat on his back by now. Pitiful." My fists clenched. 

"This is the point where you are meant to say "But why?" you know. No? Very well then, I will say it for you. Why? Well, basically, because I rather like money. It is more important to me than you ever were. You were a weakling from birth. You are worth nothing." My fingers ground together. 

"Your brother was far better. Speaking of which..." He clapped his 'ands twice, and my br uvver emerged beside him. He spoke. 

"He's right brother. I was better, I still am better. I will always be better." He beckoned, and a third figure came beside him, holding onto his arm. Ruby. 

"Ah! Dis troll who thought he meant somesing to me! Stupid." 

I lunged towards the vile threesome dat I now 'ated so much, but I was restrained by de hands. 

"So we see the true troll within you son! Well done, but still weak. You cannot even break the hold of my three workers? WORTHLESS! 

And den, I wrenched myself free and launched myself at dat evil troll. He was surprised, and I was glad. I would show him. I pummeled him with my fists, again and again, de five watchers to shocked to do anyfing. But I heard a creak, an' de ancient, rotten wooden timbers beneath us gave way under our wait, an' we both plunged into de Ankh, myself still hittin' again and again, determined to have de last say, to prove my worth. An just as I thought de end was near again, a rocky hand grasped mine, an' I was hauled out. I saw de welcome face of Sergeant Detritus before I passed out. 

***

"Back in the land of the living I see. Good to be back then?"

The world was muzzy. Everything was white, I couldn't make out the face talking to me, but I knew it would be the harsh, chilseled features of Commander Vimes. I was back in the Watch Infirmary for the third, a hopefully, please gods please, last time.

But in a way, I suppose, the world was clear now. I knew why. I knew it resolved, or nearly so.

I tried to speak, but merely succeeded in coughing up litres of the Ankh's "water". As the brown sludge subsided, I finally managed to speak, "My... father... wha-what happened... to him."

"Ah. Yes. Well, whilst the good sergeant managed to retrieve you back from the jaws of death, er..., it was rather to late for your father. Well, you know the effect of the Ankh's water on roc... sorry, troll's bodies. I'm sorry." 

"Thank the gods"

"Thank the gods? Thank them for what? That I'm sorry?" 

"That he's... gone... Commander. Left us. Dead. At last. It's over." 

"Oh. I see..." 

There was an awkward pause - I needed to fill it. "De others. My brother... de girl... de yoomans." 

"We have them in our cells, do you, er, want to see any of them?" 

"No! Let 'em... rot. But hang... on. Why were you dere... anyway" 

"Oh come on! You think I'd let a valuable officer of my force wander around willy-nilly? I had you followed!" 

"Followed? But I've... been very alert... since de attacks." 

"Ah yes. Well, no-one notices the friendly little street dog do they?" 

"Street dog!? Friendly!? Bloody 'ell giv me stre... Oshit. Er... Woof! Bark! Woofwoof!" 

For de firs' time I noticed de vile scrawny fur ball that seemed to be a dog. "Did dat fing... jus' tork?" 

"Fing? Giv me some bloody cre... Woof!" 

"He tells me he can't. I'm not sure he's entirely trustworthy though." 

I clutched my forehead. "Gods it hurts! Wait a sec... Officer? You said valuable officer?" 

"Did I Sergeant?" 

"Sergeant? I'm back in? Promoted?" 

"I don't know? Would you like to be?" 

"Yes! Dear gods yes!" 

****

Harry Smee-Giles


End file.
